I had a hard day,but my children were wonderful B"H

I was not okay pain wise today. I didn't get out of bed until my husband had to leave for work at almost 3pm because it hurt too much to move and my head was too foggy.

Getting downstairs and seeing my kids made me feel better, but didn't get rid of the pain. Pain is so exhausting!! The kids were wonderful though. The helper we had arranged for this afternoon called as my husband was leaving to say she couldn't come today and I was really worried, but it was fine. One of my older children brought the younger two to the park. When they came home they played very very nicely and quietly, barely making a mess. They were here, they were happy and it was nice to have them playing at my feet.

This evening one of my friend's high school age daughter's came over and put the kids to bed. I did end up brushing my son's teeth, because he wanted only me, and singing to them all, but I didn't have two bring anyone upstairs, change my son into pajamas, wash his bottle, prepare his formula or diaper him. It was a huge help.

After the kids were in bed she spent another half an hour here straightening up the kitchen, washing dishes, clearing off the table, etc. The normal daily maintenance things I generally would do, but I can't.

I really appreciate the hour she spent here. I think the kids might have had to run a muck and made their own bedtime or gone to sleep because I cried at them that I couldn't do it if I hadn't had help. Neither of those options are okay. This one was felt okay. They went to sleep happy. My helper did the physical work, I did the kissing and singing and it was a good balance. I can't say that I didn't overdo doing what I did. It definitely caused some pain, bending to give kisses (though I tried to squat down at opposed to bending over) and singing as well, but I need their lives to feel normal. That is my goal as a mommy.

Tomorrow my husband is also working evenings. I hope I am feeling better, but I do have someone (reliable) who is supposed to come from 4:30-6:30pm and the my bedtime helper said she would come back as well, from 7:30-8:30pm. IY"H it will all be okay. The rest of the week my husband is working mornings and should be home by 4 or 5pm, so bedtime won't be such an issue.

I am rambling, exhausted and need to take my meds and go to sleep. The point is, it all works out. B"H I am well taken care of and my children know they are loved.

Not much to post

I am still in pain. Still not doing much. I am here, kissing and loving my kids, either from my chair or from my bed. It feels good to be here to love them, but I hate being out of commission. I can't even wipe off the counter or pack lunches.

It has only been a week since the surgery, but it feels like forever and tomorrow DH goes back to work. We have volunteers coming for part of the afternoon and someone who is willing to come for bedtime, but how can I be here and let someone else do bedtime? It is one thing when it is my husband, but a babysitter or friend putting my kids to bed while I sit in my recliner or lie in my bed?

I don't remember resting being this hard last time, but then again I was in the hospital a lot longer post op last time. I assume it is like the hardest part of childbirth, we erase it from our memories so we can continue with life.

As upbeat and smiley as I am in real life and as much as I can laugh my way through most situations, this is really hard on the inside. I have kids I want to pickup and cuddle. cucumbers waiting to be pickled, lunches to make and with not DH home tomorrow evening, bedtime, feeding pump and medications back on my head.

I don't want to be a patient, and I am not being very patient about it. I want to be okay and I want to be mommy and I want everything to be fine.

B"H for wonderful children. They are running to do anything I ask. They have been giving me careful cuddles and kisses and they are trying to listen without making me yell. Yet they aren't acting worried, which would be upsetting to me. They are inviting friends over, going out to play and "forgetting" that they have homework until I ask.

My house is not out of control, it isn't messy enough to make me nuts (though there are clean dishes on the kitchen counter I am itching to put away), DH has kept up with the laundry and even unpacked my suitcase for me. There is so so much going just fine, and I totally appreciate it. DH is doing little things for me that he would never think of on his own and which wouldn't bother him, but he does them happily when I ask.

Unprompted, today he made a trip to the grocery to try to find me soft but tempting foods. He is a great guy and he really cares.

Woozy wish washy ouch

My head does not appreciate percoset when I take it. My body doesn't appreciate the pain if I don't take the percoset. My doctor had no other medication options, just ignore being woozy and take the percoset!!

This evening my special needs support group friends came over. It was nice. I said I wouldn't clean up or do anything and didn't do much. My husband cleared off the table, my girls cleaned their school things up and took their books off of the couch. The little bit I did, putting out food and drinks, has me in real pain now though.

30 minutes until I can take more medication and go to sleep.

I need to realize I can only sit and watch. Just sit and watch. Only.

B"H I am home!

It is great, but the trip was exciting and just the energy to look up at the appropriate time, respond to their questions and be here is huge. There were some issues at our local pharmacy with my pain meds as well.

Percost they had, but the Ultram they only had the extended release (once a day) instead of the every eight hour one, so I don't see how I can alternate them. If I take the Ultram ER can I take the Percost later or not? There is no one to ask at this point. B"H I have a couple regular Ultram left that I didn't take after my last surgery, so I will use those for now and hopefully get better answers Sunday.

My husband did a great job getting me upacked and settled in before the kids got home from school. Now I am ensconced in my chair, working on looking like I am listening and keeping my eyes open. I am not loud enough for people to hear me over the other noises in the house unless they are near. It is a bit frustrating, but yelling to someone in the next room or talking over the kids talking just isn't happening yet.

It seems that there was a blip with my disability application as well. I got home to a message that there was a decision but they can't tell me what it was since it was sent for a special review which can take up to a 60 days... so there will be no answers until then. I would love the piece of mind of knowing I could pay my mother back in a timely fashion. I hate owing money, especially when I am not sure if/when/how I can repay them. Relying on Social Security to pay her back, when it is far from guaranteed, though it should be, is definitely nerve wracking.

Speaking of nerve wracking, the percoset makes me jumpy. I will be very happy to be off of it. Noises make me jump and my heart pound. It was hard in the hospital, but ridiculous now that I am home. :)

Drain out, pain not, IY"H home tomorrow

My drain was draining too much to come out this morning but B"H the drainage slowed down so my surgeon pulled it before he left tonight. That means that tomorrow IY"H I can go home. They aren't doing anything for me here that we can't do at home. I blew through so many IVs that the current plan is to change everything over to oral medication, even my antibiotics, so it is time to go home and get some real rest.

The hospital is a funny place. People seem to think that you can rest in the hospital. Reality is not the same. There are five beds in my room and some of them are filled with people in pain and some are filled with drama queens.

One lady vomited and made a scene, demanded oxygen and said she couldn't breathe because the taste of the salt water they gave her to rinse her mouth was so bad... She was so dramatic, and that was before surgery. I really wonder and am nervous about how she is going to be tonight.

My pain is up more from the drain being pulled and my neck swelling now. The drain was uncomfortable but it was doing its job. The percoset is helping, but it is also making me feel gross. It makes me woozy and tired and I want to find an alternative that still helps the pain. At least if I could get some solid sleep I might not notice the pain as much. It is easier to deal with things when you are well rested.

All in all, we can do this at home where it is quieter, I can rest more and I can cuddle my children. My only fear is the ride home, it is a really twisty road, but at the end of the drive I will be home where I belong.

Ouch

I was in a lot of pain today and it just wasn't making sense. Two days post op I didn't expect the pain to be worse than the day before. Swallowing hurts, talking hurts, my mouth/throat was hurting more than my incision! Of course telling this to my doctor meant him scoping me, which I hate. I am not a fan of things up my nose or down my throat.

Doing so showed him the problem though. The ET (breathing) tube that they had in my throat during my surgery caused blisters in my soft palate and throat. My percoset dose was increased, but I am not happy taking even the lower dose (it makes the world feel a bit spinny and yucky) so I am certainly not taking the higher dose unless I am unable to sleep at night without it.

My drain seems to be draining a lot less than it did yesterday. They don't empty it until 6am, but I am really curious to see if it will be under the 20ccs and I will be out here tomorrow (though how I would survive the trip home I really wonder?) or not.

Today I had a bunch of wonderful visitors. All of them understood they couldn't stay long, so it was nice. The morning visits were a bit easier than the evening ones but they were all nice and appreciated. It is funny, people are traveling for so much longer than they are staying for. I feel bad about that, but I am just not up for long visits.

My husband brought my kids, which was wonderful. He came by cab and arranged to stay only half an hour (including getting to and from my room) because he knows that my energy is zapped in 20 minutes or less and that is also about how much time my son can handle the visit before starting to look for trouble. As predicted, he found a nurse call button to press just as we said it was time to go.

I B"H got my hugs, to see my sweet children and a bit of cuddling. They got to see that I am B"H okay, here, smiling and walking around. It was an important, though brief, visit. The hospital clown had given me a sheet of puns/jokes, that I got to share with my older children and the daughter of one of my friends had left a puzzle here which I played with with my youngest.

Once they left I took pain meds and rested. I felt like a wet dishrag but a happy wet dishrag.

And that is where I am, desperately hoping to get home and worried about how I would get there, it isn't going to be an easy trip physically. The road between the hospital and home is twisty. I also wonder how I will manage when I get home and don't have a bed right there so I can lie down as soon as I feel the need. I go from fine to faint and dizzy with no warning.

So we shall see. The drain decides the discharge and it could go either way. If I am able to go home I will be excited and it will work out. If I have to stay I can see that that might be for the best for another day as well. Only time can tell!

Here I am!!

Surgery is done, though we wait for pathology to see if the mass was even found. My neck was such a huge mess of scar tissue that my surgeon's job was a nightmare. He had the radiologist in there doing ultrasounds to help guide him and sent frozen slides during the operation to pathology. Pathology didn't see the cancer cells on the slides, but my surgeon says that that doesn't mean he left the mass in, that often the slides miss things that will be apparent on the final pathology when they slice through and analyze everything.

All in all, surgery took four hours. The scar is much smaller than my previous scar B"H. I am breathing and talking, though in a considerable amount of pain and hoarse. Percoset is helping the pain, but not getting rid of it entirely. I have one drain and will be here until it is draining less than 20ccs a day and can be removed. We hope that that is before Shabbos, but only time will tell. After my last surgery it took a week and a half to get the drains out... I think they were draining more in the beginning though.

I am definitely doing better than after last surgery. Pain control is B"H better. I am ambulatory and have been to the bathroom on my own. I have use of my arm. This surgery was also major surgery, but compared to my last surgery it was so much less invasive that I am just relieved to be doing better than I feared I would be. Getting in and out of bed is definitely painful, but it is possible. I have been able to dress myself and keep track of what medications I am getting and when.

So I am here, B"H, on the other side of the surgery. The recovery will take time and we still have to pray that the mass is out, or this was all for naught, which is a scary thought.