Can I play hookey from my body?

I really just need a day off.  I have been up since 7am, got the kids out B"H nicely and should have gone for blood tests.  My body is twitchy, I feel like an electric current is running through me, I am having heart palpitations, yet I want to hibernate.

I did blood tests and went for IV yesterday.  Today I want to stay home.

Urgent blood work needed to be sent off by 9am.  It is 9:12am and I am sitting at home blogging instead of leaving.  The latest time for blood work, without going to the ER is 10am.

It is so tempting to climb under my covers and tune out the world, but my body insists on coming with me and reminding me it isn't happy.

Making life a little sweeter

One of my goals is making good sweet memories for my children:  family fun, quiet time together, puzzles, cuddles, and happy memories.

Pesach (Passover) is on its way.  That means a lot of cleaning, cooking and potentially a lot of stress.  We do our best to keep the preparations for the holidays as fun and stress free as possible, but the kids do have to lend a hand and do a good deal of work.  The holiday cooking is also a lot of physical labor which I can't do on my own.  Our custom is to use minimal processed foods and we peel all of our vegetables and fruits.  We cook everything from scratch.

We have lots of fun, and lots of good food.  Homemade ice cream and fruit for breakfast, potato kugel and sponge cakes, meringues, homemade chicken nuggets, and lots of roasted root vegetables.

But every year one of my kids complain that they don't get their Shabbos treat.  Cake isn't good enough, ice cream isn't what they want.  I have tried making candy out of boiled sugar, bought honey just for candy making one year, and so far, never found a good sweet solution that made everyone happy.

Util now.  I realized tonight that cotton candy needs just one ingredient, sugar, which we use.  So I bought a new toy, one we will use one week a year and one week a year only.

I can't wait to see their faces when it arrives and I can't wait to make some sweet, sticky, and hopefully long lasting happy memories over the holiday.  <3 nbsp="" p="">

"Sheesh! They need to lighten up - its just cancer."

This was a line from a magazine column.  The lady writing the column is sharing her journey through cancer treatment, surgery, chemo, external beam radiation and all of the emotional ups and down that that entails.

My friend was really upset about the line.  She was offended and felt it was insensitive.

I read the same article and didn't even blink at the line, to such an extent that I wasn't sure if I had actually read that weeks column.  I had to go back and find the magazine to re-read it to realize I had.

The following was my reply to my friend:

I sympathise with your reaction to the line you quoted, but I also think I understand where the author is coming from as well.

Sometimes when people are going through them, they make light even of serious things. If you don't laugh you have to cry and laughing is more comfortable.

I was at a consult with a surgeon who wanted to do less of a surgery than the first two surgeons I had consulted with. I asked him why, and he said "I am not going to answer that since you won't understand anyway." My reply to that was to laugh. I am an intelligent and informed patient, so his answer seemed absurd to me. His response to my laughter was "this isn't funny, it is cancer!" and that had me laughing so hard I had tears running down my face.

To this day, whenever things get too much, all anyone has to say is "this isn't funny, it is cancer!" to start the laughter flowing.

Mind you, the doctor was wrong, he would have been leaving behind cancerous nodes with his abbreviated surgery. B"H I didn't go with him!

I lost my father to cancer when I was 15. I have had cancer. My brother had cancer. My grandmother had cancer. My MIL has had two kinds of cancer, one of them two times.

I take cancer seriously, but it is only cancer. It isn't my emunah (faith) or my kesher with HKBH (relationship with God). It isn't even my ability to laugh or smile. It is a nisayon (challenge), and not a pretty one, but if I had a choice I would take it over severe mental illness chv"sh (God forbid) or brain injury.

I am not downplaying cancer chv"sh, but if it is the nisayon I am given, I will try to get through it with a positive attitude, even if that makes it seem that I am not taking it as seriously as people on the outside would like.

 Cancer is serious.  It is messy.  It is horrible.  I hate cancer.  But it is also me.  It isn't something I can leave behind because it has changed me and how I must live my life.  It has robbed me of my father.  But I can't let it steal my sense of humor, my ability to laugh or my smile.  It has also been the reason I met some wonderful people and given me perspective on life that I wouldn't have had without it.

You know, miracles happen every day, but often we just don't notice

Today, thank God, I had open and obvious miracles.  With a bit of work, and a lot of flushing, my doctor was able to get things moving through my port again and even get blood return.  According to the laws of nature this shouldn't have been possible, but He can make even the impossible possible.

So, I am still on sepsis watch, will have to run to the hospital even on Shabbos if I start running a fever, but I know He can get me past this safely as well.

Now if only He can stretch my refrigerator.  With the holiday of Purim Sunday and Shabbos tonight, well I need a miracles to get everything in there.  We have 72 bagels in the freezer, 50+ bags of chocolate milk (they are the cutest Israeli thing, single serving size bags of chocolate milk) and about 6 lbs of cream cheese in the fridge.  It is stuffed with things to give out on Sunday, yet we need room for our Shabbos food tonight.
Maybe He will just make people extra hungry so there aren't any leftovers.  That would work too.  I don't get to order my miracles up specially, though sometimes I try, I just get to appreciate them as they come.

I am scared

I am davening/praying that this ends up okay, but I let down my guard and I am worried.  My port was used by a new nurse who I had been told was "central line certified" though it turns out she was nice but plain old clueless and I was feeling bad enough not to be on top of things as I should.   I came home too exhausted to go upstairs and fell asleep in my recliner.  I didn't get to bed until 5:45am.  When I put on my nightgown I realized my shirt was soaked with blood, but she had apologized for getting blood on my shirt, so I still didn't wake up enough to look at my line.  It was only this morning that I realized she had taken off the clave (a vital part of the line that serves as a valve that keeps bacteria from getting in  http://www.icumed.com/products/infusion-therapy/needlefree-vascular-access-devices/microclave-clear.aspx) and that the tubing had blood in it, which even without the clave on shouldn't have happened except the line wasn't even clamped until I thought to check it while driving home.  The only thing that kept me from bleeding out was a swabcap, an alcohol filled cover which is meant to be an extra safeguard over the clave, not a cap or stopper at all.

I called my doctor and we weighed the risks of the port clotting off because of blood in the chamber (which there likely is since there was blood in the tubing) vs the risk of central line infection and we decided that the safest thing was to pull out the needle to try to reduce the line infection risk.    Line infections are a big deal which we have many precautions to try to prevent .  They can, God forbid, easily lead to sepsis and death.

I am worried because both possibilities, God forbid, still exist.

Please pray for me, Chaya Liba bas (daughter of) Sorah.

Thank you! You totally made my day!!

I got to the hospital early, knowing that finding a parking spot is usually difficult.  Before I had time to even look for a spot or get the least bit frustrated with the lack of places, a man walking next to my car smiled at me, showed me his keys and motioned to where his taxi was parked, offering me his parking spot!

He totally made my day.

I blessed blessed him with good health and nachat ( joy or blessings, pride especially from one's children or grandchildren.) and am still heaping blessings on his head even though he is far away and I don't even know his name.

Sometimes small kindnesses go a very very long way.

I also got to visit with my friend Ahava Emunah today, which was really special.  The visit wasn't long enough, but her smile lit up my day.

I am so blessed to run into such wonderful people. 

Ultrasound, tumors, friends, and soup

Happy birthday to my wonderful husband!!  You should live until 120 in good health and happiness!

I had my quarterly ultrasound of my neck this morning.  I went with a good friend which made it much more pleasant.  The ultrasound was pretty quick and easy B"H.  The tumor is my right parotid B"H didn't grow, though there is now one in my left parotid too.  Symmetry isn't always good, but at least it is symmetrical.  Neither are in good places to biopsy, so we will keep watching them.

From there we went together to urgent care.  There was a bit of drama.  My nurse was working from 4pm instead of until 4pm.  I while I was checking in and the head nurse saw me and realized she had made a mistake.  The conversation was like this

S: Oh no, Liba, did I tell you your nurse was working morning?
L: Yes
S: Oh no, she is working from 4pm, we thought about switching her to morning, but we didn't.  I am sorry, I feel bad.  No, I don't feel bad I did my best.
L: You could feel a *little* bad.  I guess we will have to try to find a vein instead of using my port since I can't come back.  It is all bashert.

Whether she thought she should have or not, she did feel bad.

I know because minutes later a nurse I have never met walked in with her, and she told me that nurse "new" is also certified in using ports.  She works in another urgent care branch but was B"H in the main branch for a training course this morning!   Someone who didn't feel bad wouldn't have gone to that extent to find me a port certified nurse!

And because of this "mistake" I found out that the other location has *two* nurses trained in using ports.  I have another option, besides the ER, when my nurse isn't available!  Totally great and exciting news B"H.

And I got home at 1:10 - with enough time to heat up the soup for lunch and put a pan of baked ziti in the oven before the kids walked in.

While lunch was heating I started googling to figure out who to get in touch with in the closer urgent care branch so I could find out if they can do my calcium blood tests there too and found out that the medical director and I have a mutual friend!  I emailed her:

Hello R,  

My name is Liba and I live in [my city]. H.G. is a friend of mine. I have surgically induced hypoparathyroidism as well as Crohn's disease. I have been getting calcium infusions via my port in Terem X, but there is only one nurse who is certified in port use and she is only there part time. Today there was a bit of a schedule confusion and one of your (very sweet nurses) was B"H able to save my day. She was there for a training course and was able to give me my infusion. I was told that she and one of the other nurses in your branch of Terem are both certified in port usage. She wasn't sure that you could do calcium blood tests in the your branch though. Someone else suggested that there is a "stick" that you would have to order to do so in the machine you already have, but that it should be possible with some advanced notice? I would be happy to rely on the kupah blood test results if you can't test there. Typically I need my IVs 1-3 times a week. Often I end up in the ER though because many days the one nurse port certified nurse in X isn't available and that is something I would prefer to avoid. Thank you in advance, Liba

And B"H she wrote right back, they can do the tests, have the slides for five tests and can order more.  She was really sweet.  This means I have another option besides the ER, which despite their recliners and occasionally pleasant doctors, is still a place I prefer to avoid.

How awesome is this?  He pulled a lot of strings to make this work out so nicely and neatly!

And now my 9 year old is making chocolate peanut butter hamentashen.

http://overtimecook.com/2014/03/03/peanut-butter-filled-brownie-hamantaschen/

All in all, a good day B"H, one I saw God's hand in and clearly felt His hugs and care.

ER upgrade!

Today I had a 5 star Emergency Room experience.  Did you know such a thing was possible?   I didn't!

Within five minutes of arrival blood tests were ordered and we had results from the first round less than two minutes later!

 And they added recliners to the ambulatory ER waiting/treatment area!  They were comfortable and plentiful.   

I had the sweetest volunteer for my EKG and things only got better when I met the doctor.  She was nice, smart and an English speaker.  She was impressed with my knowledge of what was going on with my body and my disorder.  She was respectful and interested and totally excited to call in a team of medical students to check out my "classic" symptoms and neurological responses, things they learn about in school but don't get to see often.

Today I was a teaching tool.  They cleared a room to put me in so students could come tap my face, check my reflexes and discuss my history.  I felt a bit like a trained monkey.  I am all for teaching students, but it was uncomfortable none the less.  "Tap here and her face twitches" is a bit awkward, not what I am normally excited to be known for.

Most importantly though, I was home before my kids were B"H!  They have no idea I was gone all morning.

I should have asked for a second set of blood tests and a second round of IVs to get my labs closer to normal values.  If I had asked they would have done it, but I was torn.  I am out of danger for the minute but will need IV again in a day or so, which means another trip to Jerusalem for another ER or urgent care visit.

In the end stability reigns in my house for today B"H.  My kids know I am not well. I am not hiding that from them, but my ER and urgent care visits worry them.  Coming home to find lunch and a mommy makes a huge difference to them, so I make myself into a pretzel to be here when they get home if it is at all possible.  It is always exciting when it B"H works out on a day like today.  It isn't usually possible to get out of the ER in a normal time frame.