I am stuck in the comedy show that is my body.

For weeks I rested and dealt with pain. B"H The last couple days that got more bearable so I started doing the things that were most important and only I could/would do, like parent teacher conferences and cleaning off the buffet.

Now my calcium is so low that I am uncomfortable in my skin. I am still too weak and tired to be ready to go find a doctor (mine was done for the day before the results were in), show them what is going on, get the paperwork for the IV calcium, go to a nurse to get the IV started and sit in a chair with no arm support for 45-60 minutes for the IV.

So I am sitting here, twitching, numb and a bit down. I have far too much to do this week to feel this way. It is like low level electric current is running through my body and it just isn't okay.

On the other hand, I did have a productive day. I made it for my blood tests this morning (which showed my calcium low and my phosphorus quite high), went to my PCP and got prescriptions that need to be filled, lab slips for blood tests, and referrals for PT and new orthotics. It seems one of my orthotics was thrown out recently and I didn't notice right away because I only wear them in the shoes I wear out of the house and I haven't been leaving the house. I don't need them in my Crocs which I wear for slippers.

I may be throwing in my pride and leaving my house in my bright pink Crocs because the foot pain from walking around without my orthotic is worse than the embarrassment of being seen in Crocs, even bright pink ones. I just hope I don't run into my children's teachers, or their principal, who happens to live across the street.

Tomorrow night we are planning on bringing pita pizza ingredients to a friend's home and having a Chanukah party there. She lives near my husband's work so he can come over to light menorah with us during his break. It worked out last year. It does mean preparation on my part, as well as getting the kids out and back home on my own followed by bedtime on my own. I am nervous about how I will be feeling, but it is the only way I can figure out to make it work and have my husband with us despite his work schedule.

I am praying hard that I am feeling better by morning. Anything is possible. I really need to be feel better to get through the next week of holiday, the girls vacation, consular appointments to get passports, my cousin's son's bris, and a day at my son's school for the parents and siblings. After weeks of staying home resting I am back to a full schedule, which would have knocked me down even if I wasn't post-op. I am not sure how this is going to work.

Four weeks post op!!

Today I am officially four weeks post op! I have B"H come so far and am starting to feel like a human being again. I still have very little stamina and quite a bit of pain, but slowly even that is getting better.

It has been two days since I took any narcotic pain relievers. It is still the only thing that makes the pain go away, but even with the pain here I can function pretty well and am not having too much trouble sleeping. Having the pain reminds me when I am pushing too hard, what is uncomfortable for my shoulder, and that I need to get into physical therapy.

I am not convinced that pain is all bad, the way the narcotics make me feel is though. The dizzy head, the upset stomach and the bad taste in my mouth I hope I am entirely finished with.

My scar is healing very nicely B"H. The old part is stretched/stretching and a bit funky looking, but the new scar (which was on part of the old scar, opened and re-closed) looks really good.

Parent teacher conferences were tonight. It was a very pleasant evening. The teachers had nice things to say about all my girls. The teachers were sweet and pleasant, just like they said my daughters are. I know one of my children's teachers because an older child had her before, but the other two were new to me and I am B"H happy with them all.

I didn't manage to go for blood tests this morning, I was up but didn't have the strength. I have to go tomorrow. I really don't have a choice. I also have a doctors appointment in the afternoon, I need prescriptions, so I will be leaving the house.

When I was looking for my shoes to leave my house today I realized that I hadn't been out of my house since my blood work the beginning of last week! No wonder why I was stir crazy. This week we are getting back to real life. B"H it is a good thing. It may be exhausting, but is certainly healthier!

I really really need to leave my house.

I feel like I have been here, in my chair or in my bed forever.

Tomorrow I have to go out for my blood tests in the morning and parent teacher conferences in the evening and the timing is perfect. I need the push to get out. I am sure I will feel better once the sun has hit my face and my lungs have had some fresh air. Through the open windows is good, but not the same.

The open skies and walking on the holy land are a balm for the sole.

I have another excuse to make sure I leave the house Thursday. Our appointments at the consulate, to get the girls new passports, are on Thursday.

Trip planning is keeping me occupied. Waiting for my disability money to hit my bank account (which could take another month or more it seems) is giving me plenty of time to compare plane tickets and prices on everything and figure out how to do this as frugally and sanely as possible.

I have also been cleaning out my email inbox. In doing so I found some exciting things including an email from my father in law of him singing his niggun for Achas Shealti. I would love to share it with everyone, but I can't figure out how to upload it anywhere. It is a mp3 and I can only successfully upload pictures and videos.

It is taken from Psalms chapter 27 verse 4. One [thing] I ask of the Lord, that I seek-that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to see the pleasantness of the Lord and to visit His abode every morning.

It was refreshing and calming to listen to, like a bedtime song with a really strong and beautiful message. As much as I know that that is the one thing I need, hearing it over and over again certainly helps sooth my spirit.

Feeling pain - second post tonight

Last night I couldn't sleep. I lay awake thinking about my pain and an odd thought popped into my head, until this surgery my shoulder was numb. It was dropped because of cut muscles and nerves, but I had no normal feeling in it. It itched, but if I scratched it just itched more, I couldn't feel the scratching. It was like this from the back of my head, down the right side of my neck, my upper chest, and down my arm to half way between my shoulder and elbow.

Now the numbness is a lot less. My theory is that it is less because the [now cleaned out] scar tissue was pressing on nerves. My surgeon claims he had nothing to do with it. He has no idea why the feeling would have come back with what he did. The numbness was an expected part of my first surgery because of the nerves they had to cut through. The point is, it is back. I am still numb on one side of the back of my head, my neck and my shoulder itself, but not my arm.

So in the middle of the night I had a scary though that maybe my shoulder has "hurt" this whole time, I just couldn't feel it. Maybe this isn't new from my surgery and won't be going away. Maybe it won't get better.

Maybe the numbness was a blessing that I didn't even know how to fully appreciate.

So many times He blesses us with something that seems wrong or hard or odd but is really for our best. Most of the time we aren't ever given the opportunity to understand why. Maybe the numbness, that made me nutty and itchy, was saving me from the pain.

Friday was B"H a great day!

I am getting back into the swing of life.

Friday I did sleep in the morning because I was so tired that I couldn't keep my eyes open. In the afternoon I managed to lift my arm over and over enough times to not long brush out my oldest daughter's waist length hair for her after she shower, but braid it as well. Moving that shoulder causes pain, but not like it used to!!

In exchange for my hair brushing and braiding services she happily made my lemon pie filling mixture for me. She read the recipe, put in the ingredients and did the stirring while I made pie crusts and meringue. We made a great team.

The kids cooperated wonderfully to get us into Shabbos, everyone bathed, the house clean and the food cooked, on Friday. They were great. DH was working, and by the time he got home from work we were mostly ready.

Shabbos day we had three very sweet seminary (post high school) girls at our table. It was great for the kids and for me. The girls happily set the table and helped put all of the salads and first course out before the guests arrived. The guests were fun to talk with and they were a huge help bringing out food from the kitchen and clearing the table as well.

The pickles and pickled carrots from earlier this week came out really well, and so did our 4.5lbs of turkey which was four turkey wings since we can't easily find whole turkeys here, our lemon meringue pie and our pumpkin pie - along with our regular Shabbos delicacies which friends so wonderfully send. I couldn't have done the extras, even with me daughter's help, if we were responsible for the brunt of the meals.

I did get a nap this afternoon, but I need some more pain medication and my bed soon none the less.

Another reason why I am happy I live here

I have heard stories about lousy customer service, but B"H what I keep on finding is people here care and go above and beyond.

I bought an arm chair last February and it has been trouble since soon after we got it. It is under warranty, but we had someone deliver it instead of waiting for the store to do so and I really think that the way he tied it onto the roof of his van something got bent, so I haven't fought too hard to get them to replace it.

In April they came out to fix it. There was on bent piece under the chair and they straightened it out. Then my kids had fun on it one Shabbos and it really got bent. If it wasn't bent to begin with I doubt it would have been a problem, but it was.

The day of my surgery a repair man came to the house (a neighbor let him in and stayed with him) and he tried to fix my chair, but it was impossible to get it 100%. He said he did the best he could and that it looked liked it wasn't a manufacturing problem, so they wouldn't be doing anything further.

Last night I got a phone call from the repair people. Three and a half weeks later, with no complaints from me, they decided that they wanted to try again and see if they could get it into better shape. He said he would be here between 8am-10am. At 7:30am he called to let me know he was on my street and would be here in a few minutes. It wasn't my ideal timing, needing to get the kids out, but I was just happy he called first.

For an hour he worked on the chair and it is much better. I am still not letting the kids near it, but it is no longer tilted, the leg rest opens and closes more easily and if you didn't know better you might think it was fine!

All this was without me calling, because they felt like they hadn't done a good enough job the first time.

Pickles!!

I was in pain today and spent the morning sleeping. I considering it a very small price to pay for the pleasant evening I had with the kids, one I will pay happily.

This evening I went to a lecture. It was local, I went by cab, and I figured I would just be sitting. Little did I realize that sitting with nothing to support my arm is really painful! My arm chair obviously has arms, but my dining room table does as well. By the forty five minute mark I was watching the time and trying to decide if I should leave. I tried everything, holding my arm with my other hand, leaning over and resting it in my lap, sitting up straighter, etc. I could not get comfortable.

I wasn't expecting that!

I came home ready to cry and walked into a mess of toys and blocks. You know, toys and blocks are a nice thing when there are kids there playing, but when the children are sound asleep and you are in too much pain to pick them up, they are upsetting, even if I don't want them to be.

I begged my husband to come down and help pick up. We have a repairman coming in the morning and I need things under control. Somehow he started cleaning the dining room table off and ended up in the kitchen. While in the kitchen he washed the cucumbers I had been begging for someone to wash. Hearing him dealing with my cucumbers I followed him into the kitchen.

We ended up filling my two pickling jars with pickling cucumbers and carrots...

But the living room is still a mess and somehow he is upstairs in bed now. After we finished in the kitchen he said good night and I told him to sleep well. I don't think that either of us remember the living room mess until I walked right back into the middle of it.

Too funny!!

I am Mommy.

I did it!! By 8:30pm, with no help and (almost) no tears, bathing was done, teeth were brushed, and everyone sung to sleep!! I think that is pretty awesome for three weeks post op.

B"H my girls cooperate really well. If they don't cooperate I don't sing and none of them want to miss that. The boy... he takes patience. B"H. Just getting him undressed can be a 30 minute production. It is by far easier just to do everything for him than let him help, but today was still physically a day I had to be patient and let him try and do what he can do. It was good for both of us.

I won't claim to have done anything besides bedtime today or not to be in pain and heading for the percoset now, but B"H the house is feeling more and more normal and the kids feel like they have Mommy back. That is the most important part.

It is so good to be Mommy.

Three weeks later, wanting life as normal.

I didn't take percost before bed last night, just tramadol and optalgin, since I had not had major pain yesterday. I don't understand how it works, if I am only needed tramadol during the day, I would think it would be fine at night, but no.

I woke up stiff and in pain. Moving my right arm wasn't a good option, and I am very very right handed. I muddled through the morning on just Tramadol but by one o'clock I realized my husband was leaving at five for work and I wasn't going to be okay doing bedtime on my own, so I finally caved.

I took the percoset and took a good 45 minute nap and woke up almost pain free. None of this makes sense to me. I guess I will take the percoset tonight before bed though, because I would rather sleep through side effects. It makes me jumpy, sensitive to noise, sleepy and nauseated.

On a much much better note, I did bedtime and even my son's bath tonight all on my own. Everyone went to sleep pretty much on time and happily. That is a first since my surgery three weeks ago! While I was singing my oldest did inform me that I am still a bit hoarse. These things take time!

I called my oncologist this morning. As I had feared my timing was terrible. Who knows what she was up to, but she requested I call her back after 1pm, which I did. When she is in a good mood she is fine to work with, on days like today, not so much so. Basically she said that I have no choice on the radioactive iodine and isolation but she will not book the isolation room without seeing me and she has no available appointments. December 27th it will be!!

After that I was done, I didn't call for my pathology report. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe not.

My dreams on pickle making are still dreams. The ingredients are in the fridge, but my pain was too much for it today. Maybe tomorrow.

I am striving to get my normal life back here. Little by little I am getting there. Baby steps.

Avoiding reality

It seems that I am avoiding reality, and my blog right now.

I didn't call my oncologist today.

I didn't call my surgeon to have fax me the pathology report either.

I spent the day ignoring thoughts of tumors, radiation and doctors.

This morning I slept.

This afternoon I showered and then I spent time researching museum memberships and which one is the best to join so that we can get into all of the museums we want to go to without breaking the bank if/when we come to the US. I got a groopbuy for a manicure and pedicure (34nis/~ $10 for 170nis/~$47 worth of services!).

I went out to my special needs mother's support group in the evening and pretended that all was well. I had ice cream and a bagel and enjoyed myself with no cancer thoughts.

So tomorrow I have to make the calls. Tomorrow I need to face reality.

I don't want to.

I didn't disappear

I just keep on falling asleep before I can update!

My day of appointments Wednesday was B"H fine though exhausting and left me in a lot of pain. It seems that everyone (except me) is in agreement that we need to go ahead with the radio active iodine treatment and isolation from my family again. I mean, I agree to do it since they say I must but I don't want to and knowing what I am going into makes me even more anxious about it.

The room was airless, smelled bad and had no curtain. The huge (sealed) window faced right into a busy glass hallway to the ER. They kept on bringing my pajamas that didn't fit (which with no curtain was just not fun). My face swelled up like a chipmunk because my salivary glands were upset and continued to do so off and on for over a year after the treatment. It was painful, and considering the fact that my brother had salivary gland cancer last year, more than a bit scary as well. The RAI increases my risk of salivary gland cancer. It increases my risk of breast cancer, colon cancer (which took my father's life) and other cancers as well.

It took months for my blood counts to come back to normal and for my to stop being nauseated and even more exhausted that I normal am after the last RAI treatment. I had to be off of my thyroid medication for weeks before and was hypothyroid for quite a while after. It took almost two months for my thyroid medication to kick back in.

All of that is on top of being away from my family for 8-10days because I am dangerous to them. I need to find a place to stay after the four days inpatient when I am most radioactive before I can go home. Somewhere where I have my own bathroom and will not be in contact with children or pregnant women.

And it doesn't generally do much for nodes in the neck, so if there are any more cancerous nodes, which no one can say there aren't, it won't even get rid of the cancer.

I need to call my oncologist and get an isolation date but I am having trouble making the call. I keep on thinking I will do it at a different time of day when it might be more convenient for her, but really, how can I know? Either she will answer or not. Either she will take care of it when I call, tell me to call back later or ask me to come in. Waiting to call doesn't make a lot of sense.

Sunday. IY"H Sunday I will press the call button and stop over thinking and avoiding this, whether I want to or not.

B"H today was much better

My pain was much more manageable. We have out main meal for lunch, which I didn't make, but I did manage to bake potatoes for supper. I also had a lot of fun putting my son's food tomorrow for while he is at school. Getting back to being mommy is great!

Tomorrow I have a busy day. I am a bit nervous that the pain will be back full force but hoping it won't. I have to go for blood tests in the morning and have rescheduled my hair cut (which was to have been the day of my surgery before my surgery was rescheduled) for right after that. In the evening my son has a doctor's appointment and I have my endocrinologist's appointment. My husband is working day shift, from 8-4pm so I will be on my own to deal with lunch and homework. For me, that is a very very full day.

It will be very exciting if I get through it without major pain or fatigue. Considering the fact that I needed two naps today, and I didn't go anywhere, I am a bit concerned, but I am still hopeful.

If I manage tomorrow in one piece it may be time to ask my husband to buy cucumbers and get back to pickling.

It doesn't look that bad!!

I saw my surgeon today. He took off the steri strips, which seemed to have no intention of falling off. I won't say it was pleasant, but he was B"H pretty quick. I was really worried about the stitch pulling, but it was no big deal at all! He had it out before I could even flinch. The steri strips were definitely more painful.

My scar doesn't look bad at all. He cut on my old scar and it is healing up nicely. I think it looks as good now, two weeks post op, as it did six months post op last time. It isn't terribly noticeable at all, just a bit pink.

The computers were down, so he couldn't even get in to see the pathology report, so during my appointment my surgeon ran down to pathology to speak with them again. The final report still isn't in, so I wouldn't have had it in hand when I left anyway. He was hopeful that we would have it by the end of the week.

I see the endocrinologist on Wednesday evening and I hope to have the report by then.

I bought the kids a cool toy to put away for our trip. It is a brightly colored board covered in a viscous black solution with a thick plastic cover over it. You can use a tool or a finger to move the black aside and make pictures and then use the took or pat the liquid back into place and start again. It is a great mess free travel toy and it didn't cost very much either.

Great news!!

My appointment isn't until tomorrow, but I spoke with my surgeon today. The first thing he had to say was "We got it!! We got it!!" B"H the tumor is out! The cancer was found, the pathology report shows it. Gone out and bye bye!!

Tomorrow I see my surgeon, so I will get a copy of the report and get to talk to him more but that was a good way to start my day.

I am easing back into the mommy business. Ready or not, the responsibilities come! Today DH was working evening so I was the only one home to deal with a four year old covered in excrement. He had a diaper on, but it leaked. TMI I know, but the short of it is, I had to undress him and bath him and dress him again, despite my pain.

B"H After that I got someone to come and help with bedtime so I could take some strong pain medication and not the the adult in charge, but I did it. I managed.

Tomorrow I will be two weeks post op and life goes on and I am living it.

We continue to dream about our trip to the US. I have a friend who managed to find cheap tickets, though I can't buy them until I have money, it was nice to hear that they exist. I have been looking at car rental prices. Thankfully the first price I found was through the roof high so the other ridiculous prices I saw for a car that can hold a family of six for a months seemed almost reasonable in comparison. Any which way, until we have money and plane tickets there isn't much else I can do but look. Looking is fun, especially under the influence of pain medication.

This is my 300th post.

I am going to use this post to thank my husband and children for loving me, caring for me and keeping the house from falling down.

I am going to thank God for getting me through this alive and able to smile.

I am grateful to my surgeon who knows Who is guiding his hands, my community for their support, food and prayers, my painkillers for allowing me to be here with my kids during the day and sleep at night, my comfortable chair for giving me a place to sit without any pressure points and numbness, my cleaning lady for washing my floors and bathrooms, and my chessed helpers (volunteer high school girls) for doing homework with my kids, taking them to the park and washing my dishes.

I find it amazing that we are almost two weeks out from surgery and my children are happy and my house fairly presentable.

Monday I see my surgeon and hopefully get the pathology report. I am praying hard that the cancerous nodes show up so we can know without a doubt that they are out of my neck. Once I hear that it will be time to celebrate some more.

Showering, dreaming and living!!

On my grand accomplishement list today, I had my first full, head to toe shower and survived! I was not officially allowed to get my incision wet until tomorrow, but erev Shabbos is no time to try such a stunt out, especially since I am going to be the only one at home. It was just safer to try this stunt when my husband was here to save me if I needed him to. B"H I didn't!!

Showering tomorrow would have guaranteed nothing else got done tomorrow. Not only is showering exhausting because pain is exhausting, I knew that the pain of the shower was going to require major medicating which I can't do unless I am prepared to go to sleep. Since my husband is working, that won't be an option.

I hope that made at least a little bit of sense. My head isn't on straight any more.

Besides my lovely shower, I also managed to make appointments at the US consulate to get new passports for my girls. I checked and my husband, son and I have a couple years left on our passports, but my girls are all already expired. I figured the next step in dreaming about a trip is making sure we have our passports in order.

Once we have our US passports taken care of we can move onto getting everyone Israeli passports for the first time! That will be fun and exciting.

Having a dream to discuss and research is a great distraction from the pain and keeping me from getting bored. So far we have figured out that if we leave Israel for more than 30 days we will have a mess with our disability benefits here. They will probably be stopped and we will have to do paperwork to get them reinstated. I was hoping to stay in the US for 4-6 weeks, and that fact made four weeks sound like about the limit.

Okay, my head is really spinning and I am not sure I am making sense or if I even started the conversation I am continueing yesterday, so I am going to try to go to sleep.

The point of the post was, it was a good day. B"H. I am still in pain, but life goes on and I am still here!

Sore.

I survived another day B"H. There were more problems with help and it was all a bit frustrating, but in the end we got through it. Me in a bit more pain, the kids with not quite the bedtime that they are used to me providing, but happy.

Someone came to visit and help this afternoon, but she was decidedly unhelpful. She wanted my attention, which I don't have, wanted to talk, which hurts me, and kept on asking for help with things, which wasn't possible. I asked her to make mashed potatoes because one of my kids loves them and was willing to help peel and the potatoes are sprouting, but she wasn't excited about the idea. My daughter started peeling and the peeled potatoes are on the counter waiting still. Cookies she decided to make, but it is a hard baking in someone else's kitchen and the kids were in her way. It ended up being a bit of a comedy and relief came B"H in the form of our homework helper who came to all of our rescue. She managed to get the bowl off the mixer, the oven on and me off the hook for the project.

The high school girl who I thought was coming didn't show up. I didn't call to confirm that she was coming and I guess I should have. My husband had stripped my son's bed (it was wet) so not only did I have to do all of bedtime on my own, I had to make his bed as well. Ouch.

Putting a wiggly little boy to bed is a very physical activity and I was snappy with him because I was in pain and I really feel bad about that. It wasn't his fault. He wasn't being and more wiggly and squirmy than usual. It just hurt me which he can't understand.

It is many hours later and the pain medication still aren't helping. I am so glad my husband is working tomorrow evening and should be home to help in the evening.

On a very very good note, a good part of the feeling in my arm, between my elbow and shoulder, has come back. I haven't had any feeling from my shoulder to down halfway to my elbow since my last surgery, in April of 2009. B"H cleaning out the scar tissue seems to have helped that. I have feeling now most of my arm, though still not my shoulder itself. I was not expecting that to return. This is incredible!!

Not having feeling wasn't effecting my life all that much, but having it is really nice. I still have quite a lot of numbness other places, but every bit of normal is appreciated.

I had a hard day,but my children were wonderful B"H

I was not okay pain wise today. I didn't get out of bed until my husband had to leave for work at almost 3pm because it hurt too much to move and my head was too foggy.

Getting downstairs and seeing my kids made me feel better, but didn't get rid of the pain. Pain is so exhausting!! The kids were wonderful though. The helper we had arranged for this afternoon called as my husband was leaving to say she couldn't come today and I was really worried, but it was fine. One of my older children brought the younger two to the park. When they came home they played very very nicely and quietly, barely making a mess. They were here, they were happy and it was nice to have them playing at my feet.

This evening one of my friend's high school age daughter's came over and put the kids to bed. I did end up brushing my son's teeth, because he wanted only me, and singing to them all, but I didn't have two bring anyone upstairs, change my son into pajamas, wash his bottle, prepare his formula or diaper him. It was a huge help.

After the kids were in bed she spent another half an hour here straightening up the kitchen, washing dishes, clearing off the table, etc. The normal daily maintenance things I generally would do, but I can't.

I really appreciate the hour she spent here. I think the kids might have had to run a muck and made their own bedtime or gone to sleep because I cried at them that I couldn't do it if I hadn't had help. Neither of those options are okay. This one was felt okay. They went to sleep happy. My helper did the physical work, I did the kissing and singing and it was a good balance. I can't say that I didn't overdo doing what I did. It definitely caused some pain, bending to give kisses (though I tried to squat down at opposed to bending over) and singing as well, but I need their lives to feel normal. That is my goal as a mommy.

Tomorrow my husband is also working evenings. I hope I am feeling better, but I do have someone (reliable) who is supposed to come from 4:30-6:30pm and the my bedtime helper said she would come back as well, from 7:30-8:30pm. IY"H it will all be okay. The rest of the week my husband is working mornings and should be home by 4 or 5pm, so bedtime won't be such an issue.

I am rambling, exhausted and need to take my meds and go to sleep. The point is, it all works out. B"H I am well taken care of and my children know they are loved.

Not much to post

I am still in pain. Still not doing much. I am here, kissing and loving my kids, either from my chair or from my bed. It feels good to be here to love them, but I hate being out of commission. I can't even wipe off the counter or pack lunches.

It has only been a week since the surgery, but it feels like forever and tomorrow DH goes back to work. We have volunteers coming for part of the afternoon and someone who is willing to come for bedtime, but how can I be here and let someone else do bedtime? It is one thing when it is my husband, but a babysitter or friend putting my kids to bed while I sit in my recliner or lie in my bed?

I don't remember resting being this hard last time, but then again I was in the hospital a lot longer post op last time. I assume it is like the hardest part of childbirth, we erase it from our memories so we can continue with life.

As upbeat and smiley as I am in real life and as much as I can laugh my way through most situations, this is really hard on the inside. I have kids I want to pickup and cuddle. cucumbers waiting to be pickled, lunches to make and with not DH home tomorrow evening, bedtime, feeding pump and medications back on my head.

I don't want to be a patient, and I am not being very patient about it. I want to be okay and I want to be mommy and I want everything to be fine.

B"H for wonderful children. They are running to do anything I ask. They have been giving me careful cuddles and kisses and they are trying to listen without making me yell. Yet they aren't acting worried, which would be upsetting to me. They are inviting friends over, going out to play and "forgetting" that they have homework until I ask.

My house is not out of control, it isn't messy enough to make me nuts (though there are clean dishes on the kitchen counter I am itching to put away), DH has kept up with the laundry and even unpacked my suitcase for me. There is so so much going just fine, and I totally appreciate it. DH is doing little things for me that he would never think of on his own and which wouldn't bother him, but he does them happily when I ask.

Unprompted, today he made a trip to the grocery to try to find me soft but tempting foods. He is a great guy and he really cares.

Woozy wish washy ouch

My head does not appreciate percoset when I take it. My body doesn't appreciate the pain if I don't take the percoset. My doctor had no other medication options, just ignore being woozy and take the percoset!!

This evening my special needs support group friends came over. It was nice. I said I wouldn't clean up or do anything and didn't do much. My husband cleared off the table, my girls cleaned their school things up and took their books off of the couch. The little bit I did, putting out food and drinks, has me in real pain now though.

30 minutes until I can take more medication and go to sleep.

I need to realize I can only sit and watch. Just sit and watch. Only.

B"H I am home!

It is great, but the trip was exciting and just the energy to look up at the appropriate time, respond to their questions and be here is huge. There were some issues at our local pharmacy with my pain meds as well.

Percost they had, but the Ultram they only had the extended release (once a day) instead of the every eight hour one, so I don't see how I can alternate them. If I take the Ultram ER can I take the Percost later or not? There is no one to ask at this point. B"H I have a couple regular Ultram left that I didn't take after my last surgery, so I will use those for now and hopefully get better answers Sunday.

My husband did a great job getting me upacked and settled in before the kids got home from school. Now I am ensconced in my chair, working on looking like I am listening and keeping my eyes open. I am not loud enough for people to hear me over the other noises in the house unless they are near. It is a bit frustrating, but yelling to someone in the next room or talking over the kids talking just isn't happening yet.

It seems that there was a blip with my disability application as well. I got home to a message that there was a decision but they can't tell me what it was since it was sent for a special review which can take up to a 60 days... so there will be no answers until then. I would love the piece of mind of knowing I could pay my mother back in a timely fashion. I hate owing money, especially when I am not sure if/when/how I can repay them. Relying on Social Security to pay her back, when it is far from guaranteed, though it should be, is definitely nerve wracking.

Speaking of nerve wracking, the percoset makes me jumpy. I will be very happy to be off of it. Noises make me jump and my heart pound. It was hard in the hospital, but ridiculous now that I am home. :)

Drain out, pain not, IY"H home tomorrow

My drain was draining too much to come out this morning but B"H the drainage slowed down so my surgeon pulled it before he left tonight. That means that tomorrow IY"H I can go home. They aren't doing anything for me here that we can't do at home. I blew through so many IVs that the current plan is to change everything over to oral medication, even my antibiotics, so it is time to go home and get some real rest.

The hospital is a funny place. People seem to think that you can rest in the hospital. Reality is not the same. There are five beds in my room and some of them are filled with people in pain and some are filled with drama queens.

One lady vomited and made a scene, demanded oxygen and said she couldn't breathe because the taste of the salt water they gave her to rinse her mouth was so bad... She was so dramatic, and that was before surgery. I really wonder and am nervous about how she is going to be tonight.

My pain is up more from the drain being pulled and my neck swelling now. The drain was uncomfortable but it was doing its job. The percoset is helping, but it is also making me feel gross. It makes me woozy and tired and I want to find an alternative that still helps the pain. At least if I could get some solid sleep I might not notice the pain as much. It is easier to deal with things when you are well rested.

All in all, we can do this at home where it is quieter, I can rest more and I can cuddle my children. My only fear is the ride home, it is a really twisty road, but at the end of the drive I will be home where I belong.

Ouch

I was in a lot of pain today and it just wasn't making sense. Two days post op I didn't expect the pain to be worse than the day before. Swallowing hurts, talking hurts, my mouth/throat was hurting more than my incision! Of course telling this to my doctor meant him scoping me, which I hate. I am not a fan of things up my nose or down my throat.

Doing so showed him the problem though. The ET (breathing) tube that they had in my throat during my surgery caused blisters in my soft palate and throat. My percoset dose was increased, but I am not happy taking even the lower dose (it makes the world feel a bit spinny and yucky) so I am certainly not taking the higher dose unless I am unable to sleep at night without it.

My drain seems to be draining a lot less than it did yesterday. They don't empty it until 6am, but I am really curious to see if it will be under the 20ccs and I will be out here tomorrow (though how I would survive the trip home I really wonder?) or not.

Today I had a bunch of wonderful visitors. All of them understood they couldn't stay long, so it was nice. The morning visits were a bit easier than the evening ones but they were all nice and appreciated. It is funny, people are traveling for so much longer than they are staying for. I feel bad about that, but I am just not up for long visits.

My husband brought my kids, which was wonderful. He came by cab and arranged to stay only half an hour (including getting to and from my room) because he knows that my energy is zapped in 20 minutes or less and that is also about how much time my son can handle the visit before starting to look for trouble. As predicted, he found a nurse call button to press just as we said it was time to go.

I B"H got my hugs, to see my sweet children and a bit of cuddling. They got to see that I am B"H okay, here, smiling and walking around. It was an important, though brief, visit. The hospital clown had given me a sheet of puns/jokes, that I got to share with my older children and the daughter of one of my friends had left a puzzle here which I played with with my youngest.

Once they left I took pain meds and rested. I felt like a wet dishrag but a happy wet dishrag.

And that is where I am, desperately hoping to get home and worried about how I would get there, it isn't going to be an easy trip physically. The road between the hospital and home is twisty. I also wonder how I will manage when I get home and don't have a bed right there so I can lie down as soon as I feel the need. I go from fine to faint and dizzy with no warning.

So we shall see. The drain decides the discharge and it could go either way. If I am able to go home I will be excited and it will work out. If I have to stay I can see that that might be for the best for another day as well. Only time can tell!

Here I am!!

Surgery is done, though we wait for pathology to see if the mass was even found. My neck was such a huge mess of scar tissue that my surgeon's job was a nightmare. He had the radiologist in there doing ultrasounds to help guide him and sent frozen slides during the operation to pathology. Pathology didn't see the cancer cells on the slides, but my surgeon says that that doesn't mean he left the mass in, that often the slides miss things that will be apparent on the final pathology when they slice through and analyze everything.

All in all, surgery took four hours. The scar is much smaller than my previous scar B"H. I am breathing and talking, though in a considerable amount of pain and hoarse. Percoset is helping the pain, but not getting rid of it entirely. I have one drain and will be here until it is draining less than 20ccs a day and can be removed. We hope that that is before Shabbos, but only time will tell. After my last surgery it took a week and a half to get the drains out... I think they were draining more in the beginning though.

I am definitely doing better than after last surgery. Pain control is B"H better. I am ambulatory and have been to the bathroom on my own. I have use of my arm. This surgery was also major surgery, but compared to my last surgery it was so much less invasive that I am just relieved to be doing better than I feared I would be. Getting in and out of bed is definitely painful, but it is possible. I have been able to dress myself and keep track of what medications I am getting and when.

So I am here, B"H, on the other side of the surgery. The recovery will take time and we still have to pray that the mass is out, or this was all for naught, which is a scary thought.