Not much to post

I am still in pain. Still not doing much. I am here, kissing and loving my kids, either from my chair or from my bed. It feels good to be here to love them, but I hate being out of commission. I can't even wipe off the counter or pack lunches.

It has only been a week since the surgery, but it feels like forever and tomorrow DH goes back to work. We have volunteers coming for part of the afternoon and someone who is willing to come for bedtime, but how can I be here and let someone else do bedtime? It is one thing when it is my husband, but a babysitter or friend putting my kids to bed while I sit in my recliner or lie in my bed?

I don't remember resting being this hard last time, but then again I was in the hospital a lot longer post op last time. I assume it is like the hardest part of childbirth, we erase it from our memories so we can continue with life.

As upbeat and smiley as I am in real life and as much as I can laugh my way through most situations, this is really hard on the inside. I have kids I want to pickup and cuddle. cucumbers waiting to be pickled, lunches to make and with not DH home tomorrow evening, bedtime, feeding pump and medications back on my head.

I don't want to be a patient, and I am not being very patient about it. I want to be okay and I want to be mommy and I want everything to be fine.

B"H for wonderful children. They are running to do anything I ask. They have been giving me careful cuddles and kisses and they are trying to listen without making me yell. Yet they aren't acting worried, which would be upsetting to me. They are inviting friends over, going out to play and "forgetting" that they have homework until I ask.

My house is not out of control, it isn't messy enough to make me nuts (though there are clean dishes on the kitchen counter I am itching to put away), DH has kept up with the laundry and even unpacked my suitcase for me. There is so so much going just fine, and I totally appreciate it. DH is doing little things for me that he would never think of on his own and which wouldn't bother him, but he does them happily when I ask.

Unprompted, today he made a trip to the grocery to try to find me soft but tempting foods. He is a great guy and he really cares.