Today was a really really busy day

and I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Driving went well. I spent a bunch of time snuggling my kids. It was a productive day as well.

I have a packing list, though I am far from packed. I had laundry to do, but due to a quirk of the machine it didn't get turned on when we thought it did. At this point there are still too many things hanging up to dry for me to pack tonight. Outfits have been put together for my son for the next three days, since it is one of my evening jobs and I could do it now. I have the train schedule and the labs my oncologist needs printed out, and I feel like things are under control.

Packing for just me is so much easier and less stressful than packing for my family. It also helps that I was there last year and I know what to expect. I have even been on the train before. We took a trip to Haifa, on the train, when my mother came two years ago. We just went, turned around and came right back home. It is a great train and the trip was fun, so I am looking forward to a relaxing journey to my retreat, despite the fact that I won't be on the bus because of my appointment.

Tomorrow morning I need to pack, go for blood work, go to the oncologist and then catch a train to my retreat. I will be off line for a couple days, which is actually a bit nerve wracking. I will have to have a friend check for my blood test results for me, or call and hope the nurse will give them to me over the phone. Either way, if all goes well I will be off line, so hopefully there won't be any updates before Wednesday.

I have just been so busy

I am zapping my energy on a daily basis, in a good way.

Between my kids, driving, PT, cleaning the house, and trying to keep everything together I haven't had much time for anything else, including my blog. I am sorry.

There isn't much to report. I see my oncologist Monday and then leave for my retreat.

Tomorrow (Sunday) I need to pack and print labs, after I get back from my driving lessons in Jerusalem in the morning. I really should go for blood work in the morning, but I stayed up too late tonight for that to happen.

Normalizing

My calcium is coming down. It is in the normal range now, which is a huge relief. I am a bit tingly and twitchy from the drop, but not horribly. I am able to sleep, which is good because I am exhausted.

The kids are pretty much back on schedule from our Shabbos away.

I am searching for a new helper. My house really needs to be put back together, and with PT, driving and making sure the kids know I am here for them and the little bit of cooking I am managing, there just is no way I can keep the house up to par without help.

Sheets need to be changed, laundry folded, bathrooms washed, and I am already pushing things without trying to do all of the things that others could help with, if only there was someone to help.

Busy and exhausted

We went away to for Shabbos and it was B"H great. Getting there was hard. Packing and getting out took a lot of energy and I was ready to give up before we got out. B"H my husband pulled through and we got out of here with most of what we needed.

The almost last straw was Thursday night when my daughter let me know she needed a kilo (2.2lbs) of challah dough since they were braiding challah at school Friday. That meant that I needed to make challah dough Friday morning and bake her challahs after she got home from school before we could leave.

It really was a bracha, I made a full (2.5kilo/5lb) batch of dough and made what she didn't need into kokosh cakes and cinnamon rolls which we brought with us.

Shabbos morning when we discovered that the kitchen was locked I had plenty of cake and cinnamon rolls to share, as well as the grape juice we brought from home just in case. As usual, the frustration was really a blessing, and not just for me, for many other hungry children and women as well.

Driving lessons and PT are going fine. I am exhausted but getting out every day is good for me. I am living in a haze from being so tired, but it is still good.

My helper hasn't shown up for a month and a half, so the house is starting to fall apart. I need to find someone new desperately. I certainly can't count on the lady I had to help change beds, organize the girls room with them or do any of the other house keeping jobs I needed her for.

Today she didn't show up, she didn't call and she didn't answer her phone when I called.

I can't do everything. As it is I am doing too much. The great thing is, I am too tired to care much that the house isn't as I would generally like it.

Next week is my Beit Natan retreat for women with cancer. I am looking forward to it. I will be getting there on my own, by train, since the bus leaves Monday morning at 9am and I have an oncologist appointment Monday morning at 9:45 which I was not able to change. I love the train though. It is quiet, comfortable and the views are breath taking.

Twitchy

So my blood work yesterday clearly showed exactly why I was feeling so well. Oddly enough it wasn't good news. My calcium was high (not normal, but actually dangerously high) for the first time in about a year and a half. My phosphorus was also very high, which is a dangerous combination. The two combined could cause serious kidney damage.

So my medications were changed and now my levels are dropping, as they need to. With that comes the numbness, twitching and misery. As I learned long ago, the symptoms don't just come with low calcium, they also come with dropping levels no matter whether they are within the normal range or not.

Besides that, driving goes well. My US license, which was at my inlaws, is on its way here. I will IY"H have it in hand soon. That is one big thing off my list of "to dos" and a sigh of relief from me!

When I was feeling really well this week (thank you high calcium levels!) we decided I was up to going away this Shabbos. There is a "Shabbos Hisachdus" - a together Shabbos, with the Bostoner Rebbe, who is here to be with his chassidim.

I am a bit overwhelmed with the idea now that I am not feeling well. I am worried about leaving my comfortable chair without pressure points that make the numbness worse, sleeping in a strange bed which may not be okay, when I am already having trouble sleeping, and sleeping while numb is next to impossible.

There is also laundry, packing, getting the kids ready and traveling, while numb and feeling terrible.

But the kids are excited, my husband is excited and I was happy as well. I got a suitcase down from the attic and dusted off and IY"H we will get there and enjoy it.

Doing just fine B"H

Driving is fine B"H. The first lesson was nerve wracking, but the second one I was much more relaxed and things flowed much more naturally. The teacher asked what was different and I told her I just wasn't nervous any more. Mind over matter, or matter over mind.

I am so so glad I decided to do this well before my trip.

On the numb and tingly front, I really am not doing badly at all. In the evening, when my meds are due after a busy day I am a bit numb, but nothing terrible. After to how things were with the bad batch of medication, I am just so so happy to be doing this well! B"H!

I took the kids to the dentist (minus the one home with DH with a stomach virus) and it was a long day, but it wasn't too much. I am looking forward to tomorrow home, resting and recuperating before my next driving lesson Thursday.

All in all, I am busy. I am using all my energy and pushing my limits and B"H doing pretty well with it.

Pushing my limits, but still smiling

It has been a week of doctor's appointments, PT and driving. It has been a good week, but I am exhausted and obviously not doing a good job keeping up here. My cleaning/organizing/helper didn't show up either of the times she was supposed to come this week, which on a normal week would be hard, but this week it was upsetting. B"H My husband stepped up and helped a lot, despite working long hours, but this is the second week in a row she hasn't come and it is getting frustrating. 10 weeks until Pesach and I need some reliable help to get there.

I put off making challah all week and we have company coming IY"H for Shabbos so it has to happen tomorrow. I also have to clean up, make my son's room into the guest room, and I would like to make some kind of dessert. The request was brownies, which are one of my favorites as well.

I think it is time to teach my older kids how to bake brownies and some other simple desserts besides peanut butter rice crispy treats. They are a wonderful treat, but they use corn syrup which isn't healthy, cheap or easy to procure in this country.

Maybe I will wait until they get home from school and see if anyone is up for a challenge tomorrow.

Congratulations to me!

I started driving lessons yesterday, which was an experience. I drove in the US for 12 years before we moved to Israel, but since I didn't convert my license to an Israeli license in the first 3 years I have to start from the beginning like a new driver.

Today I took my written driving test and passed it, which was honestly close to a miracle since the English was poor and the English study book totally totally ridiculous. Instead of explaining what things were it said "red light" "light with white circle" and "red and white curb".

A good friend helped me a bit but really it obviously that He wanted me to pass on the first try. Nothing else made sense.

I got the application for the Beit Natan winter retreat and reserved my spot. Then I checked the calendar and found out that the morning everyone is leaving for Nir Etzion I have my oncologist appointment! I am not going to make the bus. I tried changing my appointment, but it was impossible. I called to cancel going on the retreat but they encouraged me to take a train and a cab and get there on my own.

If I am feeling up for it I think it is a good solution. It would be a huge disappointment to miss the trip. I have people I want to see and I could use a couple days of relaxation, lectures and chizuk (encouragement).

All in all, it has been a good, though exhausting, couple days and there are more of the same to come. Between driving lessons, physical therapy and the upcoming retreat I have a busy month!

Our reaction to life is colored by our experiences

Last week I felt so terrible. I know it was either from the medication or doing too much. With logic, I am quite certain it was that the medication was a bad lot, but I am still worried.

I spent this week B"H feeling much better, but afraid to push. I had a quiet week but spent it waiting for the symptoms to get worse or not doing things so they wouldn't.

Next week is a busy week. I have a meeting in Jerusalem Sunday, a driving lesson and PT on Monday, my written driving test on Tuesday (and I haven't even read the book), Wednesday I have PT again, etc. If I get through the week okay, it was obviously the medication, but I am worried about getting through it. What if I am not okay?

If I am not okay, my trip to the US will never work out either. I need to be more stable with my calcium levels to manage packing, flying, driving, visiting and touring. I will be away from my doctors and regular medical care. I will be doing more than normal, and I am worried.

Will I cancel the trip? At this point, I really hope not. We may have to change our plans, drive less, do less, and have my husband do the museums with the kids without me, but one way or another it has to work out.

Six years without my kids seeing their grandfathers, without my husband seeing his father, is just too long.

Pizza and cream of wheat

I am still tired and recovering but B"H doing a lot better than last week.

There isn't much exciting to report here. I reconnected with a couple good friends who I haven't spoke with in too long. I have been doing PT. I am tired.

Monday night my family went out with my husband's grandfather for pizza. It was a nice [though exhausting] evening. He is here from Chicago and we really don't get to see him often enough.

It is 3:30pm now and I really really want a nap but if I do I will not sleep tonight. I can't keep my eyes open. Soon the kids will all be back from getting my son off of his van and the noise will hopefully perk me back up. Right now the only other person in the house is one of my neighbor's children (though I guess she is a neighbor herself, as well).

The rain seems to have stopped, and we desperately need more. There are some isolated showers predicted for tomorrow, but I am hoping they turn into a full fledge storm.

While it was raining a friend mentioned cream of wheat and it sounded like the perfect comfort food for a cold rainy day. Since it is the only decent food the hospital here makes, I figured it can't be too hard, and it certainly wasn't. The hardest part was convincing DH that I really wanted him to buy it.

I may have to make it again tonight.