More on the same topic

What I talked about in my last post, about my mother in law's Hodgkin's lymphoma diagnosis, is still weighing heavily on my mind.

This is my mother in law's second cancer diagnosis in six years. She was just given the all clear for her folicular thyroid cancer a bit ago and is down to yearly blood tests and ultrasounds for that. Two years ago she had open heart surgery and a valve repair. Her health has not been great and this is just too much.

She is a sweet lady. She works hard. She has 10 children and still has a 15 and 18 year old at home.

I lost my father when I was 16 to colon cancer.

I hate cancer.

I just can't make sense out of this.

I don't know what to do to support her from here.

She had the biopsy right before she left to come here and first was told by her ENT that it was fine. It turns out that that was a preliminary result she should never have heard about. We let out our breath and two days later the oncologist called with the Hodgkin's diagnosis. So not only is she starting chemo and possibly radiation, her month long visit to Israel to see her children and grandchildren ended up being a two week visit, with six kids, dozens of grandchildren, and several siblings to see and catch up with. It just wasn't enough time to see anyone much with a list so long.

This is just all so hard. I wish I could be there to hold her hand, sit with her and support her physically. She will be almost seven thousand miles away though. I wish I could convince myself that cancer ends well, but in my head even if you survive, in my experience it it is horrific.

I hate cancer. I hate cancer. I hate cancer. I hate cancer. I hate cancer.

Today was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

A family member I love dearly was diagnosed with Hodgkin's lymphoma and from what I heard about the PET scan it sounds like it is stage IV. B"H it is a cancer that is fightable, and remission is possible even if it is a stage IV, but it will be a big fight.

Most of the family doesn't know yet. I don't think that anyone reading this knows her or my family, but I am not certain so I am not posting more than this.

My heart is broken though and I wish I knew what to do to support her from afar. I will be calling, I mailed a bag with hand cream and tissues and a journal already. I am praying and saying psalms. I just wish I could be there. I wish I could erase today and go back and get her different answers.

Party time!

Tonight was my brother in law's engagement party.

It was very very nice. I love seeing family, and having them all come to one local place made it really easy for me. We ate, we laughed, we celebrated and we enjoyed. The company was great and the food was good as well.

My children were well behaved, had fun, and made me proud.

I had had plans to go see a second hand couch this morning. When I called at 10:45am to confirm that they were going to be home, since I had arranged to leave my home at 11:15am, the couch had just been sold. Oh well!!

It made for a much quieter and more manageable day.

The kids spent the morning in the pool and I made playdough, both green and blue for them to play with once they got out (and cleared their stuff off of the table). I have a recipe that works without cooking, just combine it all in the mixer. It comes out great and kept them busy for hours.

Tomorrow is my son's last day of camp at his school. It is our last morning, until Sept 1st, waking him up to get him out the door before his van comes at 6:50am. That is one thing we will all appreciate a vacation from!

Today I also discovered that my largest pot is 8 quarts. I gave my brother in law my huge pot and thought I had another big one left but I obviously don't. My aunt needs a pot to make chicken soup in for 75 people and I really can't help her.

Speaking of helping, she isn't taking the cholent in the end. Someone offered to make fresh so I am still stuck with a significant portion of my freezer space filled with food that we will never eat.

I need to start a cholent gemach and advertise that I have it to give away.

Cholent, free to a good home. At least 10 liters available for the taking!!

Maye we will do just that.

Shoes

We went shoe shopping today for shoes for my brother in law's wedding.

We managed to purchase four pairs of children's shoes and leave with every single one of them happy in under two hours and two stores.

Miracles do happen.

My mother went swimming with two of my girls this morning, another miracle.

I feel lousy but have been worse. Considering how much we have done, that is quite amazing as well. I appreciate the fact that I am just numb and sore and exhausted but not at transfusion levels.

Tomorrow morning I am hoping to look at a used couch which I found on line and in the evening we have my brother in law's engagement party. It will be another busy day.

A picture is worth a thousand words

Today was, as was to be expected, a rough day. I was out of commission, my mother tired and the children bored and full of energy. I had discussed with the children that I wouldn't be doing anything with them today and not to ask me for anything and they were great. They were busy planning trips and shoe shopping for tomorrow but knew not to expect anything today.

I did manage to get myself outside to the pool though. It was a very hot day and the pool was amazingly refreshing. The children have an attention span and tolerance twice mine, but I was out there for quite a while myself. Being in water helps because floating there are no pressure point. Since pressure point cause the numbness to be painful it was perfect. The kids also really appreciate my presence. We had a lot of fun just being together, doing the same thing.

My mother and I had a bit of a rough day. She was not respecting my boundaries or listening to me. I got upset when she touched my answering machine again, less than a minute after I asked her not to and was playing my phone messages. Then she got upset at me for being upset. It made for a quite day with my mother only coming down (late, not when invited) for meals and otherwise reading and speaking on the phone in her room, avoiding us.

I am not sure how tomorrow will go. I want to go to AC's school, since it changed buildings a couple weeks ago. I have never seen the new building. His last day of camp is Thursday and Wednesday they are going on a train ride. They aren't even going to the school building Wednesday, just getting dropped off by the school van at the train station and picked up from the train station after the trip is over. That only leaves tomorrow, Tuesday.

As promised, here are a few pictures from yesterday. My camera battery was low, as usual, so there aren't very many. I need an unending supply of AA batteries since it seems I can only get ~10 pictures on each set. My mother in law took pictures as well, but I don't have copies yet.

This is my children in front of the Softer Stam Museum. They got to try their hand at being traditional scribes, meet a professional scribe, watch videos on the art, and there was even a trivia competition. It was a lot of fun.
This is my son navigating the cobblestone walkways of Tsfas with his sun hat in his hand.

This is my mother in law, my sister in law, and my children in the cheese factory. In front of them is a huge mound of salt that they coat the cheeses in to cure them before they get put on shelves to age.

I couldn't manage to get everyone in a picture and didn't have battery power to push too hard. It would have been nice though!!

We also went to the Safed Candle Factory and wandered through the artists colony. I wish we had had more time to see more and visit friends in the area, but we were all hot, tired and ready to go home by the time we left.

It was a great day.

B"H we had a wonderful time. The trip was long, one child got sick, but the views were beautiful. We saw the Kinneret on the way as well as beautiful landscapes and lots of interesting towns and people.

Tzfas was amazing.

I am going to sleep, but will try to post more (and maybe some pictures) tomorrow.

We are half way there!

Shabbos was again a very enjoyable day. I spent part of the day thinking about it, why is it so much easier than the rest of the week with my mother?

My conclusion was, she isn't trying to change my house or fix things all Shabbos. She is content just to be with us enjoying the quiet, the food and the company.

I think the problem is, I wish she felt that way the rest of the week. We may need help, but we don't need fixing, critique, or the stress that goes with wanting to make a difference in such a small amount of time.

I think the day tomorrow, once we get out of the house, should be good too. I am not sure how I will survive it physically, but emotionally being away should be good for our mother/daughter relationship.

Right now I am working on packing lists and food for tomorrow. Everyone else went to sleep and left the last of the Shabbos cleanup, as well as the packing and food for tomorrow on my head.

Maybe I will stay in the van and sleep while they tour.