A good day.

B"H I did wake up feeling better today. It was a low key day as well.

AC started a new camp and the girls all went to a water and amusement park today. They had a blast and came home happy.

My DH had a rare day off and did tons of errands which made me feel better. He got the girls all their uniform shirts, picked up a package that has been waiting for weeks at the post office, picked up his pants from the tailor and went to the bank. It was a ton off my shoulders!

Tomorrow the girls need to go through their skirts so we know if anyone needs more navy blue school skirts.

I had a doctors appointment tonight. I wasn't able to get in locally so my appointment was across town. For me it makes little difference, just a couple more stops on the bus, but it meant that I saw my doctor upstairs from a mini mall. After my appointment I went downstairs, bought myself a couple very desperately needed skirts, the kids tubes for the pool (galgalei yam), and AC tofu and tofuti cuties as well as a container of little plastic animals to use as bathroom bribes since we are out of matchbox cars.

It was so much fun bringing home the treats. I love making my kids happy. Between the shirts, the pool floats and the plastic animals they were all pretty close to bouncing off the walls with joy. My husband was thrilled that I bought myself clothing. All in all, they made me feel like I brought home treasures. It was the perfect ending to a nice day.

Shabbos was wonderful B"H

but I am really numb again.

I made challah and kokosh cake (with some of the challah dough, not all that much extra work since I had to make challah anyway) Friday but I don't think I did more than I should have been able to do. I got IV Thursday night and was feeling pretty good Friday morning. By Friday evening I was numb and this evening I am even more numb and tingly.

I hope I wake up tomorrow feeling better.

The challah and kokosh cake were wonderful. The filling on the kokish cake was a new one and it worked well. It was 1.5 cups chocolate chips, 1/4 cup cocoa, 1/2 cup sugar and enough oil to make it all into a paste. I started with 3 Tbsp but had to drizzle in more.

I admit, I am a bit depressed over this. I should be feeling better. I want to feel better, but I also want to be able to live. Cooking for my family is part of living.

What a difference. :)

They kids have been enjoying themselves as I did my best to do as little as possible this week, hoping to avoid needing more IV calcium. It didn't work. My numbers kept on dropping and when I was down to the point where even sitting in my recliner I was having major problems with numbness and the muscle cramps were waking me up at night I made a doctor's appointment.

Based on symptoms, even before the blood test results came in, I got my IV and I am glad I did it. I feel so much better. Now I am trying to pick up the pieces and do the things I couldn't do all week.

The funny thing is, the nurse couldn't find a vein. After trying my good veins and not being successful in getting the IV started she called in the pediatrician to start my IV. While she was working on me a girl, probably 8-9 years old came in for IV for dehydration. The pediatrician assumed she was the one who the nurse needed help with starting the IV on, not great big grown up me. The nurse had started the dehydrated girl's IV first try.

This morning the kids spent in the pool and helped me sweep up all of the play dough crumbs. This afternoon I am baking. I have challah and chocolate kokish cake in the oven. I still have to make matzah balls for the soup, but my husband took care of peeling all of the vegetables and is now giving the kids baths.

The IV doesn't bring me to 100%, but it is such a huge difference. I know the risks and why they don't like to give it often (or at all out side of the hospital really) but it is such a blessing for me and makes such an improvement in my quality of life.

A glorious day to be a child

Yesterday was child paradise in my house. The children from the neighborhood were in and out to enjoy the fun and add to it.

The dining room table was full of play dough cakes and candies. They had two huge batches of home made play dough and enough play dough toys to go around. I love watching their creativity and listening to their conversations. We had wedding cakes, cars, books, trains, and candies made of bright blue and green play dough.

Outside the pool was full of plashing children all day long, until well past bedtime. I didn't ask anyone to get out of the pool until it was getting dark. They splashed and made waves over the top of the pool and it was great. By the end of the day the pool was visibly emptier and the children worn out and happy to head for bed.

Days like today

My children and playing and splashing in my pool with my neighbor's children. The sound of happy children fill the air, which helps, but I still want to cry.

I am so numb, so sore and so tired of living in my body. I am paying for the zoo and wedding on Monday in a way that no one else can understand or see. Well, there are some twitches that you could see if you watch carefully, but really they aren't even the tip of the iceberg. My blood tests yesterday showed my calcium was low enough that my doctor would have given my IV calcium but the results didn't come in until almost 7pm, when the office closes and this morning I just prayed that today would be better instead of going for blood work so I could get IV calcium.

Oh well. Tomorrow I will IY"H go for blood work. Tomorrow I will IY"H feel better.

Someone asked me why my sister in law didn't go back with my mother in law to help her out. She questioned my SIL staying out the last two weeks of her vacation. The question showed how little the lady understands the trauma of a cancer diagnosis. The trauma isn't only my mother in laws.

Yes, it is her body which will be going through treatment, but it is my sister in law who at fifteen is going to be doing her best to take over the household and keep it running. The weight of the world is soon to be on her shoulders and no one should be hastening that.

My father died 19 years ago, when I was just 16. I feel fiercely protective of my sister in law. I want to shelter her from what she is going to be facing as the only child still living at home. She has no one to to share the burden with on a day to day basis. As much as I know she will be great support and strength for my mother in law, for her sake I think that the longer she is here the better and so does my mother in law.

We had a really busy day today

I feel awful now, but it was worth it.

We took my mother, and the kids, to the Jerusalem Biblical Zoo this morning. It wasn't too hot when we got there but we were all in agreement that it was too hot and we were ready to go home by the time we left. We saw the penguins being fed, lots of beautiful birds, monkeys, orangutans and some big kids. We walked through the lemur area, which is usually among our favorite places, but they were all hiding because of the heat. Next time hopefully it will be cooler so we can watch them too! The kids all knew to put away any food before going near the lemur's home. It was very cute.

We came home and I took a nap while my husband got the kids scrubbed and dressed in dressy clothing. This evening we went to my husband's cousin's wedding where we saw my mother in law for the last time before she flies back to the states. That was a bit emotional. Both the joy of the wedding and the worry and sadness about what my mother in law is facing was combined. Even though, God willing, all should be fine with my mother in law in the end, it is a long and hard path in front of her and we both know too well to pretend otherwise.

Sometimes going into something knowing how hard it will be does not make it easier.

Life is spinning

It is funny. I alternate between feeling like life is normal or maybe even okay and feeling like the world is spinning.

No, it wasn't my diagnosis, but it is. The lady I call Mommy is facing cancer again and chemo.

My house seems to be involved in the spin as well. It looks like a tornado hit. I guess 9-10 kids here all day, two days in a row, when I don't have the mental or physical ability to stay on top of them and even ask them to clean up would do that.

My mother in law's name, for davening (praying), is Sharone Devorah bas Gittel Dina.

I spent some time in the pool today, with the kids. It was great but totally exhausting. Tomorrow I am supposed to be going with my mother, my husband and my kids to the zoo. I am not sure how well that plan will work out. They may just have to go without me.