Surgery IY"H tomorrow, Monday

In an hour I should be leaving for the hospital for pre-op testing. My surgeon called at 5:15pm and told me surgery was on for tomorrow, instead of November 24th, and I need to be there at 9:30pm tonight for admission and pre-op labs.

I have too many things to arrange and too much to do to be nervous. My husband is schedule to work and needs to get the time off and we have to arrange for babysitters for the week.

I may or may not be updating the rest of the week. Most likely I will squeeze in another update in the morning, from the hospital, but it depends on how early they take me back.

It is a tricky surgery for the surgeon since the mass is in a dangerous place and there is a lot of scar tissue there already, but the recovery IY"H should be much easier than last time. I don't expect to be in the hospital for more than three days, but only time will tell.

Please daven (pray) for an easy surgery, full excision of all of the cancerous cells and a speedy recovery for Chaya Liba bas (daughter of) Sorah.

Thank you

Dreams

I have been having very vivid dreams lately, both good and bad. They are stemming from my recent experiences with life and death and wake me up either shaking or wishing they were real.

I don't remember ever having such vivid dreams or remembering so many dreams in the past. I had a dream about my friend RivkA, who just passed, followed by a dream about trying to decide which organizations to donate money (which I don't even have to donate) to, followed by a dream about traveling and vacation and making memories.

It was a lot for one night!

Shabbos night we got our first real rain for since last March. I hope we get a lot more since we are well overdue!!

This afternoon we had guests over, one of whom commented on the fact that I live my life in my recliner... As much as I do spend a lot of time there, since it is the only comfortable place for me to sit (everywhere else gives me pins and needles running down my legs from pressure points) I do keep my house clean, and running well, which I leave my chair to do. I get it was a joke. I know she respects me and appreciates the orderliness of my home and my well behaved children, it was said while I was sitting in my dining room table at my dining room table with them, but it still stung a bit.

Not being able to do isn't a choice, and I do what I can. I don't have all that much help, considering how I feel. B"H I have someone who comes for an hour on Sunday and helps with dishes and occasionally has time left over to help the kids clean the attic playroom. I have a cleaning lady once a week for three hours to do the floors and the bathrooms. It is a huge help, and if I was healthy it would be a luxury. At this point it is not. It is not enough of one for me to stay in my chair, relax and not work myself to the point of feeling lousy and needing IV calcium on a regular basis.

I know I am being overly sensitive. I smiled and didn't react to the comment, but it still stings even though I probably shouldn't have let it. I didn't choose this. I don't want this. I liked being healthy and super mommy, making everything from scratch and taking care of everyone.

Maybe tonight I will dream about being super mommy again. Too bad dreaming won't make it reality in the morning.

What a sad day.

My friend RivkA bas Teirtzel, will be missed. Before I left for Kever Rochel this morning I checked in and heard that her pain was under better control. By the time I came home she had already passed.

Baruch Dayan Emes (blessed is the true Judge).

She fought a long and valiant fight with breast cancer. She is the mother of three school aged children and her whole family needs your prayers.

http://coffeeandchemo.blogspot.com/

I lost my father to colon cancer when I was 16. Even 19 years later the thought of what that family is going through if fresh and raw.

We have all lost out by not having RivkA in this world, but I find comfort knowing she is out of pain and in a better place. The real hardship now is for the family she left behind. They have to continue living and that is not going to be easy.

I am so happy!

Since I applied for disability in December 2009 I had heard nothing and could get through to no one until very recently. Two weeks ago I got a phone call from the consulate asking me to bring them medical records.

I went Monday and it was a disaster at the consulate. They called me and asked me to bring in documents, then they didn't take all of my medical documents. I didn't have the strength to argue with them that they needed them all nor to go back once I realized what a disaster it was that they didn't take them.

I finally found an international Social Security number (after months of tries) that seems to have someone who listens to the messages and returns calls. Occasionally a real person answers!! I have been leaving message on a different number with no return calls and no one ever answering for months now. They answered the phone today and returned my call from yesterday! Five minutes after I got off with one Social Security worker I got a phone call from an even more helpful Social Security person!

The person who called me back was able to transfer me to my claim rep who gave me his fax and phone numbers. He told me that it wasn't my job to gather records, the Consulate was supposed to have gathered them on their own and that even though I gave them my documents on Monday, they still hadn't been faxed to him.

I faxed him all of the records and within half an hour he called to tell me he got them. He also said that there was enough documentation without even translating any of the Hebrew documents and he is passing it onto the doctors. He thought he would have the approval back from the doctors in three days and he would be in touch. It seems unlikely, and I am not holding my breath, but I am cautiously optimistic that we will have an answer before my surgery.

My surgery is in four weeks and I have to pay almost $4k of it out of pocket up front, so it would be fantastic if I got approved before then. I can't believe I am even letting myself dream about that. I will most likely have to borrow it from family (thank God they are there for me) but at least I have hope that approval may be on the horizon.

Tomorrow I am IY"H going to Kever Rochel with my mother in law. I have a lot of people in need of healing to pray for and I may sneak in a prayer for my financial situation as well. It certainly can't hurt.

I did it all.

I took a nice long nap this morning, stayed home to greet the first of my daughters when they arrived home (one had an after school beading group this afternoon), and then took a bus to the Beit Natan Women's health expose. I felt the need to show my support and I wanted to see my friends. I also had a little bit of worry that it would be empty and they might need a warm body.

B"H it was not empty. It was packed. There were thousands of women there. For a bit I helped give out bags with coupons and a magazines to the ladies who had paid to come in, since my friend manning the table was swamped. It was wonderful to see so many of my ladies and to be able to help out a bit.

I purchased a couple things that I needed from the vendors, caught up with friends, entered the raffle and went to the laughter workshop. It was exhausting but good.

After I got home I got a phone call from one of my friends, who stayed until the end, that she thinks I won the raffle I had really wanted. It was a silver and wood challah board, challah knife and challah serving tray. I hope she heard right, it was really really noisy there and I didn't get a call from Beit Natan telling me I won... We shall see!! It would be so much fun to have won.

After an hour of sitting and trying to gather my strength I went with my mother in law to my neighbor's house. She was hosting a party for her birthday and the yertzeit (anniversary of death) of the Rebbe Rashab - the fifth Rebbe (grand rabbi) of Lubavitch.

I was a bit too tired to participate fully, but she served some really yummy soup and I was able to socialize a bit. It was a long long day.

Now I am sitting here, trying to gather energy to pack my son's food for tomorrow and prepare his clothing. My head hurts and my body aches, but B"H it was a great and very busy day. It is okay to be wiped out after a day like that!

Good news or no news?

Oddly enough, we got CT results, but it seems it was a waste of time, radiation and iodine flooding my system.

The tumor that we know about wasn't on the original read and only found when my surgeon sat with the radiologist who specializes in neck CTs and they searched for it. Even then they weren't sure they found it.

So if they can't find what we know is there, did we really learn that there isn't anything else there?

This experience has not made me feel better that I am clear except this one tumor.

I spent my morning at the US Consulate. The new building is such a huge huge improvement over the old one. There is a gorgeous court yard after security, lots of light, windows and it is clean. Service was still painfully slow. I was there just to drop off papers and it still took me several hours. On the plus side, I was sitting waiting for them to call my name again not feeling well and one of the security guards noticed and brought me two disposable cups full of cold water. There were at least 100 people there but he noticed that I wasn't okay.

I have to say that that was good powers of observation and he is likely a very good guard!

I am not sure I left them all of the papers I should have. I didn't give them the papers I gave them in December because they insisted that they got them. What I saw of my file clearly said that they didn't receive any medical records, just my labs, back in December.

If I had given them to them it would have been a ton for them to get translated and very overwhelming. I am not sure what was the right choice. It is done though. All I can do now (short of going back to the consulate which I would rather not do) is pray and wait.

Most of my wonderful kids were holy terrors tonight. One was overtired from a field trip to the Kosel, and the night was just upside down. It was time outs, tears, one hurting another (which rarely happens here B"H!), not listening to mommy, feet hurting too much to do what needs to be done, I don't want to, drama.

In the end they went to bed knowing they were in trouble, without kisses, cuddles or Mommy singing them to sleep. It doesn't feel good. I am really sad about it actually.

This is not the kind of day I want to be filling my life with. Neither children in trouble or disability applications at the consulate are my ideal. Tomorrow I am supposed to be seeing my Beit Natan people but I am so wiped. Staying home, resting, cuddling my kids and being able to smile just seem much more appealing to me right now.

Rise and shine!

My husband was working the 7:30am shift again today, which means I was up early and in charge of getting everyone out the door to school. As exhausted as I was, it is always nice. I love brushing hair, giving kisses and making sure they have their sandwiches. Giving them their morning mommy time makes the whole day so much brighter.

Even better, 8:10am everyone was gone and I got a nap.

I spoke with someone at the US consulate and have an appointment to bring in my medical records tomorrow. I am feeling a lot better about that situation. I probably should give them more, but what I have will God willing be just fine.

My mother in law visited today. I really appreciate that she made the time for us. She brought coloring books for the kids and enjoyed watching them color and do homework. We ate together and B"H it was a nice afternoon. She got her shortly before my son got home (he gets home a couple hours after the girls) and stayed until I had to leave for parent teacher conferences at my son's school.

My son's parent teacher conference was B"H very nice as well. I met his teachers, his aide, and had a long talk with his principal. He isn't 100% on the same level as the other kids in the class academically but with only seven boys in the class they are happily modifying this curriculum for him. The principal is confidant that they will have an appropriate class for my son next year as well, which is a huge load off my shoulders.

He is in a school where they love him and bring out the best in him. This year he is in a class with all boys and all of them ambulatory and speaking. It has been a unique challenge for the school, but as they say a healthy one! Healthy problems are problems we celebrate.

On top of my trip to the consulate, tomorrow morning I need to call my surgeon. IY"H I will be getting results on my CT scan at some point tomorrow. I am obviously a bit nervous about what they will say, but I know who is in charge of the world and it isn't me or my surgeon. What ever will be is for the best.