I don't remember ever having such vivid dreams or remembering so many dreams in the past. I had a dream about my friend RivkA, who just passed, followed by a dream about trying to decide which organizations to donate money (which I don't even have to donate) to, followed by a dream about traveling and vacation and making memories.
It was a lot for one night!
Shabbos night we got our first real rain for since last March. I hope we get a lot more since we are well overdue!!
This afternoon we had guests over, one of whom commented on the fact that I live my life in my recliner... As much as I do spend a lot of time there, since it is the only comfortable place for me to sit (everywhere else gives me pins and needles running down my legs from pressure points) I do keep my house clean, and running well, which I leave my chair to do. I get it was a joke. I know she respects me and appreciates the orderliness of my home and my well behaved children, it was said while I was sitting in my dining room table at my dining room table with them, but it still stung a bit.
Not being able to do isn't a choice, and I do what I can. I don't have all that much help, considering how I feel. B"H I have someone who comes for an hour on Sunday and helps with dishes and occasionally has time left over to help the kids clean the attic playroom. I have a cleaning lady once a week for three hours to do the floors and the bathrooms. It is a huge help, and if I was healthy it would be a luxury. At this point it is not. It is not enough of one for me to stay in my chair, relax and not work myself to the point of feeling lousy and needing IV calcium on a regular basis.
I know I am being overly sensitive. I smiled and didn't react to the comment, but it still stings even though I probably shouldn't have let it. I didn't choose this. I don't want this. I liked being healthy and super mommy, making everything from scratch and taking care of everyone.
Maybe tonight I will dream about being super mommy again. Too bad dreaming won't make it reality in the morning.
Some of my kids are grown and living on their own. I never look back and wonder if my house was clean enough when they were home. I wonder if I held them enough, played with them enough, talked with them enough. You ARE a super mommy, you love your kids. As you have to daily make decisions about how to use the little strength and stamina you have, make your decision based on the future looking back. The housekeeper is a great decision and I am so glad you do that. You need that! Praying for you, friend.
ReplyDeleteAt times people spit out words without realizing what they are saying. I do it all too often.
ReplyDelete