My grandmother, who is a great woman, a huge support of mine and an inspiration died last night.
The funeral was at 3pm in Boston, so I obviously was not there.
All I wanted to do besides cry, once I heard the news, was call her. We have had so many wonderful late night conversations and I want to have more.
I am sure she is taking great care of all of us from a better place now, but I am going to miss her so very very much.
At 3:45pm I got a phone call from my surgeon offering to put me in for surgery on Sunday. I was already an emotional wreck, so making such a choice was too much for me. There was no leisure to compose myself and answer rationally either. He needed to know before 4pm.
If I agreed to surgery on Sunday they would have had to get me in for the CT this evening and I would have had to do pre-op tomorrow. I would have had to come up with insurance approval for their part and money to pay for my part of the surgery by Sunday. The person who I could always rely on to lend me money in a pinch died this morning, so being financially unprepared would have required phone calls and energy.
I failed at getting babysitters every other time I tried to get one this week and I would have needed one for the CT tonight. DH was scheduled to work and it was too late to easily get him off of the work roster for next week so we would have needed even more babysitters.
My husband was at work and the surgeon needed my answer by 4pm. All I could think of was what I would have to juggle to be ready for surgery Sunday.
It was just too much. Too much to think about, too much to arrange and too much stress so I ended up saying no to Sunday.
The next available slot my surgeon could get was either November 24th or 25th.
After 4pm I spent quite a bit of time second guessing myself and my decision. Rationally, waiting may make sense, but a month and 10 days is a long time to have surgery pending and something that we know is malignant growing in my neck.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm also sorry that you have to wait for surgery.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry you had to face to awful things at the same time and alone. But, it seems like you made a good decision, DON'T waste time second guessing yourself. :)
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry about the loss of your dear grandmother, but I am thankful you had such a close relationship. You have many precious memories to carry you through your grief.
Praying for you, dear friend.
remember our conversation: i don't mind hospitals so, and as your kids (or at least one of them)do not know me, i am available to help. i do not have regular work, no hubby or kids to obligate me to stay at home....
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