I love my kids.
But I would love more.
DH and I were discussing children, babies and my health this morning. Assuming I am not doing the RAI (oral radiation) again, I am the most stable I have been since my original surgery. We have B"H seem to have found a medication dosage and schedule that is working pretty well to keep my calcium in check and my numbness is minimal unless I do too much.
I am exhausted from not sleeping, but a baby wouldn't change that much.
Unless it is another sick baby.
A healthy nursing baby I could do. My energy is limited, but I do baby. Sitting, cuddling, napping, nursing... I would love one.
But what if it ends up being another difficult pregnancy, baby in the NICU, pumping, tube feeding, suctioning so it can breathe baby? After my son was born I had days I forgot to eat, nights I didn't care to sleep, and hours upon hours standing at his bedside with no thought of my discomfort of postpartum status. I was back and forth to the hospital daily, except when I stayed over on a cot, which was no picnic either. He was my one focus and worry, as it should have been.
That I can't do again now. With my health issues it would be disastrous.
If only we could know for certain that it would be a healthy baby I would have another four (one at a time please!).
How does one make this kind of decision? When we got married we hadn't even considered not having a large family. What ever God gives us is what we wanted.
But for now at least it just doesn't seem to be an option. Sometimes I am okay with it, since I do have four lovely children, but sometimes it just isn't okay. Today is one of those days.
It isn't that the children I have aren't enough for me, but it feels like a part of my life, children I could love and care for, have been stolen away by my cancer.
Liba, it may be that God is just showing you another path. There are other children out there for you to love. They may not become part of your family, or they may in other ways besides birth, but you will love them just the same. There are days that I would love to have more children even though most of the time I feel our family is complete. Instead of more children by birth, I have become like a second mother to many of my children's friends.
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