Sometimes I wonder about my sanity.

Yesterday and today my kids were asking to have friends over and I kept saying "no" because the house was too dirty.

It has been almost three weeks since we had cleaning help, and though we have managed to damp mop and sweep the floor it had reached critical color change. I was embarrassed. I was disgusted. I wasn't letting anyone in.

The cleaning lady is coming tomorrow but the floor couldn't wait.

Sweeping is a lot of work so I pulled out the vacuum and used it, then finished up by bleaching the floors. The floors look a lot better. I feel a lot worse. The kids are much happier.

We were inundated with the children's friends. Within half an hour of me giving the okay there were three times the number of children in the house had tripled and there was many times more than that in noise. It felt good.

If it weren't for the fact that the cleaning lady is coming in the morning it would have been a great idea.

Balance is hard. Pride is hard. Saying "no" because I am not feeling well feels worse than saying "yes" and making myself feel worse.

If they hadn't picked up their toys from the floor (under threat of my vacuuming them up), cleared the books off the couch, and cooperated fully, I wouldn't have said "yes" and the floor would have waited. But they were ready to pitch in. They wanted so badly to have friend here. They are willing to help to keep life normal. They have learned that that I need the help and I am not ready to teach them that even with their help, it is still too much for me.